Check your motive

Life is a funny thing. I know the statement sounds trite, and writing about something so big might provoke fish-eyed stares and tongues in cheeks, but think about it; the universe is all about entropy and decay, yet here we are, products of reproduction, built up from conception to grown bodies.  Every cell vibrating, nervous, seeming to understand that it’s existence should never have been, but is unwillingly wrenched out of nothing and coerced, being driven by something. Perhaps we are unwitting slaves to genes that are more desperate to carry on a legacy than even we. Life is improbable, and being so, a fight; a fight to carry on, to constantly tip the balance toward existence.

It can’t last though. Eventually, time and universal law take their disinterested toll and ensure that we exhaust our amazing and impossible energies.

Because it’s so hard to build something, especially life, and so much more natural it seems, to deconstruct, life means pain; the pain of growing, working and surviving, loving and hating; the pain of dealing with other subjective human beings as objects; the pain of fighting off predators and parasites large and small who want the fruits of our energy without expending their own… and the pain of disease and death.

I’m not trying to be a downer here. I’m simply making a point. Life can be wonderful when circumstances are right. When everything is as it should be, when we are free from want, we forget ourselves. We are no longer aware of our bodies and minds; they cease to become that strange “other”. The world is not filtered through our problems. But when the universe lets its innocently cruel storms batter our lives, we want to escape. Some escape into their work; some head to the golf course; some go to the clubs to escape in hilarity and sex, while others go to places of worship and fill their heads with promises of a future without pain or limits; some go jogging or climb mountains; some read chronically, empty themselves into the X-Box or stare at the tv screen; and some escape into the always welcoming arms of Mother Opium.

Very few feel quite right all the time. Even boredom, a fairly innocuous state, can lead our thoughts to filling the interminable void with something to take us out of ourselves. I defy anyone to tell me that he never feels the void and the urge to feel differently through some activity or substance…

~Antidepressants are not of much use for anything for many (I submit, most) of us; but most of them, besides some on and off label dopaminergics, don’t have a capacity for abuse. On the other hand, O definitely does. There’s nothing quite like it. You either love it or hate it. One never has a bad “trip” on O (unless one has taken too much. If so, one might be in big trouble), so if you hate it, it’s because you either don’t need it, or because some people simply have a bad reaction to it, like any food or drug…

…however, If you need it because your endorphins are all fucked up, or you don’t have a bad reaction to it, O feels like god is giving you a little hug and telling you that everything is going to be okay. One doesn’t trip on O. Rather, one feels a profound relief from a pain he never realised he had when taking it for the first time: the pain of existence. These powerful effects conspire to make this little flower an addictive bitch goddess.

If you are getting ready to submit to her spell, you must be aware of her ability to screw with you in order to lull you into getting more of that which she makes you crave. Think about it: every plant has a strategy for seed dispersal. We eat colourful fruit because we love sweet and (sometimes) fat. We get a reward for consuming and the plant potentially spreads its seeds far and wide. The bitch goddess does things a little differently. She has developed an awesome strategy for seed dispersal. By developing alkaloids that mimick almost perfectly some of our endogenous and pleasure-giving chemicals, she ensures that an otherwise foul tasting fruit is consumed (there are some very happy ruminants in Tasmania these days because of Big Pharma’s fields of glorious poppies). So your subconscious can easily fool you if you don’t keep meticulous daily dosing records for pharma opies, or a digital gram scale that measures down to the 10ths for dode. Do it. Don’t not do it. Did I make myself clear? You will be physically addicted or habituated (there is a difference) by the end of the first week, so in order to build up tolerance as slowly as possible, you must understand the difference between being lifted out of depression for that day, and euphoria. It’s tempting to go for euphoria, especially when you know you’re going to have a rough day at work, but don’t do it. take your “lifting” dose in the morning, under the knowledge that within the hour you’ll be all right.

Grapefruit, some say, potentiates or prolongs the effect. I use dode, so wake up 45 minutes before I would normally, down the foul swill in a glass of water (yechh!) that I keep beside my bed, eat my grapefruit and other fruit that I usually have for breakfast, and lie around until its time to get up. By this time I’m ready to take on the world.

Check your motive. Why are you doing this? If you spend each day in an opiate nod, do you really think that you’re going to deal with problems that could have been fixed by gently lifting yourself instead? Do you understand the despair and disaster that will burn you if you start chasing the dragon? Do you realise that the depression you experienced before opiates will pale beside the living hell you will go through if you lose your head?

We all fill that void with something. Its a part of us; what makes us human. Let us accept it… but let us sate our natural desire rationally. Don’t be a junkie. Don’t be “that guy”. I think that if you’re desperate enough in your depression to consider doing something you wouldn’t in normal circumstances and go down the poppy strewn road, you’re probably smart enough to avoid the giant potholes that consume others. Because of this, I don’t think you’re a natural drug seeker. But be aware that opiates are different. If your diligence slips, you will be surprised when a cliff you didn’t notice takes you into that void.

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